Title: It Was Once A Memory
Author:kyoko_godaikun
Pairing:KoDa
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG

Summary: Koki leaves one love and begins another. But they begin to have problems. Then Koki gets into an accident which leaves him with trauma induced amnesia.

Time: Late Summer 2005

It had all started out during a vacation that the entire group was taking. Ueda had taken a blanket and was sleeping on the suite's couch. Koki thought that was strange, very strange. But then he always thought of Ueda being strange. Just like this vacation he booked. Koki couldn't understand why they were staying at a ski resort when it wasn't skiing season?

Even though it was a vacation, it was more like a working vacation. Koki came in to the suite at almost two in the morning. He had been filming TV spots. He didn't really look forwards to coming back to the hotel. He had been living with Kame, and they had been having troubles. Kame had begun to call Jin's name almost every time they made love. It hurt to have a lover who thought of others when they loved.

Koki headed towards his bedroom. The one that irritated him looked at him from the couch.

"I wouldn't go in there if I were you," Ueda said.

"Why can't I go in there?" Koki countered. "It's my room."

"Your boy friend has decided to sleep there tonight,"

"So? It is his room too." He moved even closer to the room.

"Please Koki, don't go." Ueda begged.

"Why are you doing this?" Koki demanded. "Why are you acting so weird about my own room?"

"Perhaps I wanted to spare you from some of the pain I am feeling," Ueda told him.

"Why are you sleeping on the couch?" Koki asked. "Why aren't you sleeping with Jin?"

"Jin's in your room," Ueda told him. "You do know he's having an affair with Kame?"

Koki couldn't believe his ears. He went to his room, and flung open the door. What he saw confirmed what Ueda had told him. Jin and Kame lay sleeping on the bed together. Both were nude. Somehow the blanket had fallen off of Kame. Koki quickly shut the door. Koki knew he should be angry about his boy friend cheating, but he wasn't. Instead, he was embarrassed that Ueda knew about his troubles.

Koki went to the chair and sat down. "How long has this been going on?"

"I'm not sure," Ueda told him. "I found out last week."

"Why didn't you do anything about it?" Koki tried to keep in his anger. He thought of Ueda being a wuss, letting Jin walk all over him.

"I wanted to wait until the vacation was over to break up with Jin." Ueda sat up, for the first time Koki realized he was crying. "It was for the good of the group if I waited."

"What about your happiness?"

Ueda flinched. "Does anyone really care about my happiness? Sometimes Koki, it's better to think of the whole group, not just yourself."

So that was the reason Ueda hadn't told, he thought of the group instead of his happiness. He had always thought of Ueda as strange, as only thinking of himself. But perhaps, that wasn't the entire story.

Koki moved to sit beside Ueda. He took Ueda into his arms. Ueda moved so that he had his head on Koki's shoulder and he sobbed.

***************

Koki spent a lot time with Ueda while on vacation. There wasn't really anyone else to hang with. Maru had fallen head over heals in love with Junno to the point they were calling their vacation their honeymoon.

Koki hadnít really gotten to know Ueda until the trip. Oh he thought he knew him. After all, they worked together. But in reality, he found out he knew nothing about Ueda. He found that Ueda was nice, really nice. Ueda was the type that danced to his own drummer. The things that used to make Koki think Ueda was strange slowly started to be the very things that Koki liked about him.

They didn't hook up together on the vacation. Ueda was still hurting. Koki too wasn't sure about his feelings.

It was Ueda's suggestion that they get a new apartment together. A fresh start. That way, they wouldnít' be reminded of the ghosts of Jin or Kame.

Kame came home from work the day that Koki was packing. Koki kicked himself inwardly. He wanted to be out before Kame got home. Then he could be gone, and not have to face his lover.

"What are you going?" Kame asked.

Koki turned to Kame, what was he going to say? Then he realized he owed it to Kame to tell him the truth. "I know about you and Jin."

"Oh," Was all that Kame said.

"I know you, you always have troubles saying good bye." Koki finished packing. "So I am giving you the easy way out. I'm the one whoís leaving."

"Why do you think I'll just let you go?" Kame sounded upset.

"Because I know who you really want. You cry his name when we make love." Koki told him. "Tell me, do you love him?"

"Yes, I do." Kame admitted.

"Then go to him."

"I can't, he has Ueda." Kame pointed out.

"Ueda's moving in with me. Not as lovers, but because we both think you deserve some happiness."

"I'm sorry," Kame finally told him. "I didn't want to end it this way."

"I'm sorry too,"

"Can I help you move?" Kame offered.

"Sure, I would like that." Koki said.

Then Kame helped Koki pack the rest of his things and move them to his new apartment.

*******************

As time passed, Jin was showing up at the new apartment more and more. Jin kept trying to get Ueda back. Jin was with Kame, but he missed the way that Ueda loved him. Sometimes Ueda would give in, but always he would kick Jin out in the morning. Koki went through five months of this, with Ueda going back and forth.

Koki came back to his apartment late. It had been a taping of You Tachi that kept him out so late. He could hear noises, so someone was at home.

"I've decided, I'm no longer going with you." Ueda said from the bed room.

"Don't play games with me!" Jin snapped.

"I'm not playing games!" Ueda insisted. "I found someone else."

"You know Koki doesn't love you," Jin said with a sneer in his voice. "No one can love you."

"I donít care if he loves me." Ueda said softly.

"But you love him, don't you?" Jin said cruelly.

"Yes, perhaps I do." Ueda said.

"You're a slut!" Jin told him. Then Koki heard the sound of flesh hitting flesh.

Koki acted before he thinks. He rushed into the bed room, and he shoved Jin away from Ueda.

"Quit picking on Tat-Chan!" Koki ordered.

"Tat-Chan is it?" Jin snorted. "Since when have you called him Tat-Chan?" Jin grabs Ueda by the hand; he tries to drag him away. "Come on Tat-Chan."

Ueda looked back to Koki, terror in his eyes. He was only wearing his bathrobe.

"Heís not going with you," Koki decided.

"Yes he is!" Jin told him.

"Ask him, does he want to go?"

"He doesn't get a choice in the matter!" He pulled on Ueda's hand. "Let's go, bitch."

Something inside of Koki snapped. He found himself hitting Jin hard in the face. They fought, but Koki won.

Finally Jin leaves them alone. He marched out of the apartment to Kame.

Koki realized that Ueda was crying. "You shouldn't have done that."

"I'm sick of him hurting you." Koki wiped the tears away. Then he kissed Ueda's lips. Ueda sighed and gave into the kiss.

Ueda pulled away from him. "You think of me as strange."

"I used to," Koki admitted. Ueda stepped back a pace. "I don't any more. I think you're wonderful."

"You're right, I am strange." Ueda admitted. "When I found out about Jin and Kame, I promised never to fall in love again."

Koki took Ueda's hand. "There's nothing strange about falling in love."

"But I love a bad assed rapper." Ueda admitted. "Isn't that strange?"

"It can't be as strange as a bad assed rapper falling in love with a guy who wants to be in a visual K band." Koki looked into Ueda's eyes and smiled.

Ueda smiled back. A real smile that went to his eyes. Then Ueda pulled away from him, he unfastened his robe, he pushed it over his shoulders and let it fall to the ground. Then Ueda was kissing his lips, wrapping his arms around Koki, and pushing him against the wall.

Koki just stood there for a moment; he hadn't expected Ueda to be a tiger when it came to love. But then he sighed, and decided that he would give in gracefully. He kissed Ueda, will all the pent up frustrations he felt for him.

******************************

Time: Spring 2007

Koki spent eighteen months with Ueda. It was a wonderful time. But after Jin left the group, everything changed. The pressure on the group became unbearable. Everyone seemed to be at each other's throats. Koki suddenly became the number two in the group. He hated being number two. Not only was that, but the pressure on Koki affecting his relationship with Ueda. As the months went by, the less and less time he spent with Ueda. Until it was a rare day that they were together.

Koki began to stay out at all hours with his friends. He would go to Junno and Maru's place, to play games. He never asked Ueda to come with him. Since Jin had left Kat-Tun, Kame had begun to join them at the gaming parties. Ueda was always beside himself with jealousy.

Ueda watched Koki get dressed in their bedroom. Koki hated the way that Ueda was always suspicious of him. That Ueda would never fully trust him. Ueda couldn't even let Koki get dressed in peace.

"Donít' go, please Koki." Ueda pleaded. "We haven't had a night together for a month."

"SO?" Koki snapped.

"Don't you want to spend time together?"

"You're really getting on my nerves!" Koki snapped. "I told you, I've made plans!"

"Why can't I go to the party?" Ueda seemed to try and change the subject.

"Because you're not invited!" Koki insisted. "You hate gaming! You would just bring the rest of us down."

"Just once," Ueda pleaded. "Tell me that I can come. I promise, I won't bring the party down. I taught myself all the games you like."

"Why would you do that?"

"So you could play them with me." Ueda told him. "We can play together. You don't have to play with them."

"Why can't you trust me?" Kame screamed. "Can't you get it through your fucking head that I don't want to be with you?"

"You're having a date with Kame aren't you?" Ueda countered.

"What if I do?" Koki snapped. He didn't have a date with Kame, it really got to him that Ueda didn't trust him.

"You promised me Koki, do you remember that?" Ueda held up his hand, showing the ring that Koki had given him. The day that they exchanged vows and started to call themselves married.

"I didn't know you would turn out to be such a bitch!" Koki demanded. "I don't want to stay with you if you don't trust me!"

"I just want to spend some time with you." Ueda was on the verge of tears. "Just one night Koki."

"Go to hell!" Koki snapped. "It's over, do you understand me, over!"

Koki stormed out of the apartment. He got into his car. He was so angry, that he really wasn't looking as he drove. He didn't see the truck until it was too late.

*****************

Koki woke; he was in a hospital bed. His whole body hurt. His leg had been put in a cast. His head really hurt. He reached up, touching it. There was a large bandage on it.

"How did I get here?" he asked himself.

"There was a car wreck," Ueda told him. He was standing by the bed. Ueda looked different. His hair which used to be blond was now jet black. He was also more muscular then he used to be, as if he had been working out. "I'm sorry about our fight. I shouldn't have been so jealous of Kame."

"Why would you be jealous of my boy friend?" Koki couldn't believe his ears. He could barely stand Ueda. He didn't even consider him a friend. He had some feelings for Ueda, but that was balanced by the fact that the guy was totally weird. Now with his black hair, Ueda looked Goth. Koki hated goths.

"Boy friend? You're together with him?" Ueda gasped.

"Of course we are,"

"But what about us?"

"Ueda have you gone crazy?" Koki asked. "There are no us."

"I know we had a fight, but can you please forgive me?" Ueda's eyes were full of tears.

"Yeah, I can forgive you." he thought if he could just get Ueda to understand that he forgave him, he might just leave.

"Then letís get back together, please Koki. I'll try to understand about your parties. I won't be so jealous." Ueda begged. "I love you."

"I told you before, Kame is my boy friend. I donít' love you." Koki said. "I love Kame."

"This cant' be!' Tears rolled down Ueda's face. "You promised me..."

"Get used to it," Koki snapped.

Ueda ran out of the room. He could hear sobbing coming from the hallway. Ueda was heartbroken, but Koki couldnít' figure out why. Perhaps Ueda had some type of one sided love for him. But Koki hadn't even held his hand, why would Ueda think he loved him?

Koki looked up to the TV, it was on, but the sound had been turned down. A date flashed on the street. It was 2007. Koki looked up to it with horror. What had happened to the last three years? Koki knew the date, it was 2004. Did he travel in time? He felt his head, underneath the bandages, there was a large lump. Did something happen to him? Why couldn't he remember?

*********************

 

Koki had learned a lot in the weeks since he woke. He had learned that been in a coma for a month before he woke. He had dim memories of the coma, someone caring for him. Telling him he loved him. It was almost like a dream. He could remember the person, just not the face.

Koki had been tested until he was tired of being tested. He had cat scans, pet scans, MRI's. All sorts of tests. They wanted to see if his mind was well.

The doctors had shown him photos of the accident. He had been found blameless; the accident was the other driver's fault. But the photos hadn't made him remember, all they caused was more questions.

"What do you remember?" The doctor asked Koki for the thousandth time. Every time Koki was examined, he was questioned about his memory.

"What do you mean, what do I remember?" Koki couldn't believe he was having the conversation yet again.

"What year is it?"

"2004," Koki insisted.


"The year is 2007," The doctor told him. 'You have lost three years."

"Why have I lost three years?" Koki demanded. "And don't tell me not to worry about it!"

"All right, I won't tell you not to worry about it." The doctor smiled, he was used to Koki getting grumpy because he was being questioned again.

"What's wrong with me?"

"You suffered a scull fracture" The doctor told him. "We think that is why you suffered some amnesia."

"How can I get well?" Koki asked. "I don't like not remembering."

"Just relax, don't try to remember." The doctor told him. "Your memories should return eventually."

********************

Koki felt lost. It was like the whole world had been thrown on its head. He had a car accident. When he woke he found a world that had changed. Even his friends had changed. New hair, new clothes styles. Even Koki had changed. He had a buzu. He actually liked his new hair. Everything else was odd to put it mildly.

Koki had visitors. Friends, family all visited him. Kame had told Koki that something had changed in the years he couldn't remember. They had broken up, but where still friends.

"You're going to have to get used to the fact that I moved on," Kame told him kindly. "I know that Jin's in America, but we still keep in touch."

"What about me?" Koki asked. "Did I move on?"

"Let's not get into that now." Kame told him.

"Did I have someone?" Koki persisted.

"The doctor told me I'm not supposed to tell you." Kame said softly. That could mean only one thing, Koki had a lover.

"It's my life!" Koki insisted. "Please Kazuya, I have to know."

"Yes, you had someone," Kame admitted. "But the two of you where having some problems."

"What kind of problems?"

"You started wanting some time apart from him," Kame told him. "He started getting jealous of your friends. I guess that's because his lover before you cheated on him."

"That's bad,"

"It was just growing pains." Kame scoffed. "We knew you would get back together with him, because he stayed at your side until you woke up. All through your coma."

"Who was it?" When Koki saw Kame's hesitation, he said. "Don't tell me you're not supposed to tell me!"

"Who was with you when you first woke?" Kame countered.

Koki closed his eyes. He could remember the once blond man who stood at his side. The one that looked like he needed sleep. The one who cried so much when Koki sent him away.

"Ueda? I was with Ueda?" Koki realized.

"I know, strange isn't it?" Kame smiled sadly. "But you where hurting because of me, and he was hurting because Jin left him. Somehow the two of you became friends."

Koki sat thinking for a moment. "Does he still want to be with me?"

"He wants to be your friend." Kame told him. "Nothing else."

"I'm not too sure I can be with him until I remember." Koki admitted. "Right now I don't even feel like I have much in common with him."

"Then why not be friends?" Kame suggested. "That might help you remember."

"So much as changed," Koki mused. "Itís like I've traveled in time."

***************************

Koki was given the choice to stay with his parents or go back to his apartment. He chose to go to his apartment. The doctors had told him he needed to get into a normal routine, to do things he used to do. His apartment seemed familiar to him, though he couldn't understand why. He didn't have any memories of being in the apartment.

Koki laid down for a nap, it was difficult sleeping with his broken leg. The doctors had removed his cast and replaced it with a brace. That should have meant that he was getting better, but his leg still hurt a lot. Ueda had helped him, propping pillows under his bad leg. Ueda fingers felt as loving as he worked around Koki. He seemed genuinely happy that he could be of some use.

"How's that?" Ueda asked when he was finally finished fussing over Koki.

"That feels really good," Koki admitted. "It's almost as if my leg wasn't broken. You make a fabulous nurse."

That made Ueda smile. "If you need me, just call." Then like that, Ueda was gone.

******************************

Koki nestled down and fell asleep. That was when the dream came.

It was a winter day. There was so much snow that the group was allowed to take the day off. It was a snow day. Ueda was so excited that they would have one. He ran off to the kitchen to make some soup. He loved having soup on a winter's day.

"Tat-Chan," Koki came into the kitchen, he had been with Ueda for almost a year. He wanted to take the relationship one step further.

Ueda was in the kitchen chopping food for dinner. "What is it Koki?"

"Will you marry me?" Koki asked.

"Quit kidding around," He had told Koki.

"I'm not," Koki took a ring out of his pocket. "I want to spend my life with you. Will you marry me?"

"Koki," Ueda put his knife down. He wiped off his hands.

"I won't be like him." Koki vowed. "I won't leave you for someone else. I'll never forget you."

"We can't get married,Ē Ueda reminded him.

"We can in our hearts." Koki took the ring out of the package. "Please Tat-Chan. I love you so much."

"I love you too," Ueda told him. "Yes, I will marry you."

Koki slipped the ring on Ueda's ring finger. "I am the luckiest man on earth."

Koki woke suddenly. He was back in his room. He felt something on his leg. He reached down and touched it. The cast had been removed and replaced by a leg brace.

"It was only a dream." He told himself.

Then Koki could smell freshly made soup. The smell triggered another memory, of the two eating soup together.

***********************

Then next morning, when he woke he could hear a noise coming from the living room. Someone was playing video games.

With some effort, he was able to get up, and into his wheel chair. Then he wheeled himself into the living room. He couldn't believe what he saw. Ueda was sitting cross legged on the floor. He looked up to the TV intently. He had a controller in his hand. Ueda was playing video games.

"What game are you playing?" Koki asked.

"Halo 2," Ueda told him.

"Can I play?" Koki asked.

Ueda handed him a controller. "Its better when you play with a friend, isnít it?"

"Youíre right, it is." Koki agreed. ďIíve been looking forwards to halo 2 being released."

"You stayed up all night waiting in line at the video store to get it." Ueda told him.

"When did I get it?"

"December 2004." Ueda began to concentrate on the game.

They played for about an hour. For some reason, Koki knew this game. He wasn't sure how he knew, but he did.

"Have I played halo 2 before the accident?" Koki finally asked.

"It's one of your favorite games." Ueda told him.

"I didn't know you liked gaming."

"Once I started playing, I found out that I really liked it." Ueda smiled and went back to playing.

**************************

Koki began to work at learning things over again. He spent a great deal of time listening to Kat-tun's songs. Ueda had moved Koki's Xbox into the bedroom with him. So that Koki could play when he rested. He would turn the sound down on the game and listen to Kat-tun's music.

He found himself becoming friends with Ueda. He hadn't told Ueda he knew the truth about their relationship. Every time he brought it up, Ueda shot it down. He also didn't tell Ueda about the dreams. Not real memories, just snatches of things that could have happened to him.

Koki began to feel something for Ueda. His heart began to go doki doki every time Ueda got close to him. Koki wasn't too sure why he suddenly started liking Ueda, but he did. He kept the feelings to himself. Koki wanted to wait until he fully remembered relationship before he told Ueda he liked him. He didn't know if he was feeling love.

But every time Ueda came into the room, Koki found himself smiling at Ueda. His friend began to smile back. It was a special smile. One he hadnít' seen before.

Ueda had thrown a few gaming parties for him, so that he wouldn't die of loneliness. His friends would come over, and they would spend the evening playing the latest games. The parties were always held in Koki's bedroom so he could still rest. Koki insisted that Ueda sit in the place beside him. Ueda looked like he was having so much fun.

A memory came it was fleeting. Of a gaming party, Koki laughingly told his friends that he wouldn't let Ueda come. Koki needed some time alone without him. Ueda wouldn't enjoy such parties anyway. Then just like that, the memory was gone.

"The groups off tonight," Ueda told him. "Do you want me to call some of the guys over?"

"You mean, have a gaming party?" Koki guessed.

"You like gaming parties." Ueda reminded him.

"I've had a little bit of memory about gaming parties." Koki admitted.

"Oh really?" Ueda suddenly seemed preoccupied.

"I wouldn't let you come to the parties," Koki told him. "Did that happen?"

Ueda nodded. "Yeah, it happened. I got jealous, I guess it's because I wanted to come. That's why you had the accident."

"I had the accident because of a party?"

"It wasn't your fault, it was mine." Ueda continued. "I was jealous of the fact that you had other friends. We had a fight. Then you stormed off, driving away too fast in your car."

"Why didn't you come to the party?" Koki asked. "That's what I don't understand."

"You told me I wasn't invited. I was never invited to your gaming parties." Ueda looked almost on the verge of tears.

"Then why throw them for me now?" Koki countered.

"Because you love them." Ueda paused. "Do you want me to invite our friends over tonight?"

"Why don't we have a different kind of party?" Koki asked. "Why don't the two of us spend the evening playing together without company?"

Ueda looked at him. "Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure," Koki smiled at him. "We are friends."

"I would really like that," Ueda smiled, it lit up his whole face.

A date, Koki realized he had just asked Ueda out for a date. But he wanted to date Ueda. Koki suddenly wanted to spend all of his time with his friend. They were friends now, really friends. Koki hoped that someday, perhaps the dreams would come true, that they might be lovers. But for now he was happy with what he had.

************************

Koki was beyond angry. He stormed into the bedroom he shared with Ueda. There was a large framed photo of the two of them on the wall. Ueda's key boards and guitar were in one corner.

"How could you!" Koki screamed at the top of his lungs. "How could you cheat on me?"

Ueda looked up from what he was doing. "I didn't cheat on you."

"Can you explain the photo?" Koki demanded.

"What photo?" Ueda asked, clearly puzzled.

Koki hit Ueda with the photo hard. Ueda looked down to it. "I didn't sleep with Maru!"

"Bullshit!' Koki thundered.

"You're my only one!" Ueda insisted. "I would never cheat on you!"

"You're a slut!" Koki hit Ueda over and over. Ueda didnt' fight back, he just curled up with his arms protecting his head.

"Please Koki, please quit hitting me!" Ueda begged. "I would never betray you!"

Koki woke up with a start; he was back in his room. The room wasn't like the one in the dream. There wasn't a photo of him with Ueda on a wall. Ueda's belongings weren't in the room. He reached down and touched the brace on his leg. Even he wasn't like the Koki in the dream.

Koki sat up in bed. "It was only a dream." He told himself.

Ueda had fallen asleep on the bed beside him stirred. "What was?"

"Before the accident, were we lovers?" Koki asked the questions that had been bothering him.

"Yes, we were." Ueda admitted. "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to feel obligated to be with me."

"How long were we together?"

"Eighteen months." Ueda said simply. "This used to be our bedroom."

"You didn't cheat on me with Maru did you?" Koki asked. "I had a dream about you sleeping with Maru."

Ueda flinched. "No, I didn't."

"My dream was a memory wasn't it?"

Ueda looked away from him. "Yes, it was."

"You cheated on me." Koki realized.

"NO! I never cheated on you. Never! When we were together, I was the happiest man on earth." Ueda got out of bed. He was still fully dresses.

"I need to know what happened. Can you tell me?" Koki asked gently.

Ueda left the room and returned a few moments later holding a photo. "I went with Maru and Junno to film a cm. We had to stay in the same hotel room."

"What has that got to do with anything?" Koki asked confused.

"When I fell asleep, Koki and Maru played what they thought was a joke on me." Ueda tried to explain. "Maru got in bed with me and snuggled up against me. The Junno took a picture. I was asleep, I really was. But their joke backfired. When you saw the photo, you blew up. You were convinced I cheated on you."

"I didn't believe you," Koki realized.

Ueda shook his head no. "After that, we began to have problems. When the accident happened, we were leading to a break up."

"You don't blame yourself for the accident do you?" Koki asked concerned.

"No, you loosing your temper was your own fault." Ueda told him.

"Can I see the photo?" Koki finally asked.

Ueda gave the photo to Koki. It was of Maru and Ueda. They were curled up asleep on a bed, both looked nude.

"After they gave you this photo, you refused to spend time with me. You said you needed your space." Ueda said. "I became jealous of your friends. Because all I wanted to do was spend time with you. To prove to you that you were the only one in my heart. But it was too late."

"It must have been terrible for you," Koki realized.

Ueda nodded. 'You would look at me with hatred in your eyes. I think that was the hardest part, that you wouldn't believe me."

"I'm sorry," Koki reached out, touching Ueda's cheek. His friend was burning up with fever. "Tat-Chan, you're sick."

"I have a cold," Ueda told him. "I always run a fever when I have a cold."

"I am sorry for not believing you." Koki told him. "I should have believed you."

"It was in the past." Still a tear dripped down Ueda's cheeks. "We're only friends now."

'You're more then a friend to me. I love you." Koki admitted. He kissed Ueda. The kiss was so loving, so gentle.

Ueda pulled away from him. "We can't get involved, not yet."

"Why not?"

"You might change your mind after you remember," Ueda smiled sadly. "Besides, I have to go to work."

**************************

Koki had just gotten back from a round of physical therapy. Koki had finally gotten to the point that he could walk without crutches. But he would still have to wear his brace for some time. He felt proud that he was able to walk on his own. In a few weeks he would be back with the group.

Ueda has the furniture in the living room pushed back against the wall. The new routine the group had been rehearsing was playing on the DVD player. As soon as it ended, it started again.

Ueda wasn't dancing. He was lying on the floor. Dressed in workout gear. He looked as if he has passed out.

"Ueda get up!" Koki told him as he turned the DVD player and TV off.

Ueda didn't move. Koki knelt beside him. He reached out and touched his face. Ueda's face was hot, really hot.

Ueda opened his eyes. "Koki, you're back."

"What are you doing on the floor?"

"I was rehearsing. I must have fallen." Ueda sat up, he held onto the floor to steady himself. "I'm just tired. I have to rehearse."

"What do you mean, rehearse?"

"We have to perform out new song on Shonnen Club when you come back. I still don't have it perfect yet." He tried to get up, but Koki wouldn't let him.

"You're sick, you have to rest." Koki insisted.

"The group, I can't let the group down." Ueda sank back down to the floor.

What was Koki going to do? He couldn't carry Ueda to the bedroom. He could hurt his leg doing that. He went to his bedroom, and got his wheel chair. He was able to pick Ueda up. Koki made a mental note to himself, Ueda was a lot heavier then he looked. Koki placed Ueda in the wheel chair trying not to drop him.

Then Koki wheeled his friend to Ueda's bedroom. Koki pulled down the blankets on the bed, and then helped Ueda get into bed. He gently covered Ueda up. Sometime during the journey Ueda had woken up. He didn't look too happy.

"I'm not a child." Ueda reminded him. "I could have gotten to bed on my own."

"Just let me care for you." Koki soothed. "Do you have a thermometer?"

"In the top drawer of the dresser."

Koki went to the dresser and opened the drawer. The first thing he saw was a small photo album. On the front was a picture of Koki. That made Koki think for a moment. Why would Ueda have an album with him on the front cover?

"Have you found it?" Ueda asked.

Koki moved the album aside. He found the thermometer. He turned back to Ueda and handed it to him. Ueda put it in his mouth and settled back on the bed. In a few minutes, it beeped. Koki took it out of his mouth. He read it.

"It's 39.4." Koki told him. "You're sick. You have to rest."

"That photo of Maru and I together...."

"Don't worry about that now." Koki told him.

:"But you where so angry about it."

"I was wrong." Koki admitted. "I should have trusted you."

"Will you stay with me, at least until I fall asleep?"

"Of course I will." Koki promised.

"Thank you," Ueda closed his eyes. Soon he was snoring softly to himself.

Koki got off the bed. He opened the drawer and took the album out. Then he began to look at it. They all contained photo's of him. He put the album back up. It was then he noticed the framed photo. He took it out. It was a head and chest shot. Koki stood behind Ueda, his arm around his friend, Ueda held his friend's hand, and he leaned into Koki.

A memory flashed through Koki's mind, of the day the photo was taken. The photographer was Junno. They had taken it in the living room.

"This is going to look great," Junno said after he took the photo.

"Thanks for taking our photo." Ueda put his arm around Koki's waist.

"When will we be able to get a copy?" Koki asked.

Junno went to the portable camera printer. He put the camera on it. Then punched a few buttons. The photo printed out. "Do you guys want two copies?"

"Don't need it. We live together." Ueda reminded him.

Junno handed the photo to Ueda. His friend grinned as he looked at it. "Koki, it looks like we're in love."

Koki looked at it. "Thanks Junno, it's perfect."

"Let's hang it in our bedroom." Ueda suggested.

"What will the agency say?" Junno teased.

"I don't care," Koki said. "I love Tat-Chan; I'm not ashamed of that love."

Suddenly the memory left him. Koki put the photo back in the drawer. He then looked at the sleeping Ueda. "Why can't I remember more of us being together?"

*******************

When Ueda's fever didn't go down, even with aspirin, Koki called Johnny's. Soon a doctor and a staff member arrived at the apartment. Koki had been ushered out of the bedroom. Koki was more then a little worried about Ueda.

After a while, the doctor came into the living room.

"Ueda kun has the Strep A." The doctor told the staff member. Then he discussed all the systems of strep a.

"Do we need to hire a nurse?" The staff member asked.

"I can care for him." Koki volunteered.

"You're not a medical professional." She reminded him.

"Ueda kun doesn't need one." The doctor says. "He just needs someone to wake him up to take his medicine."

********************

Finally Koki was able to get rid of the doctor and the staff member. He went back to Ueda's bedroom. His friend looked so pale, so weak. Ueda looked up to Koki, his eyes dark with fever.

"What did the doctor say?" Ueda asked.

"You have strep A," Koki told him. "It's more severe then strep throat."

"You might get sick from me." Ueda said concerned.

"You've all ready exposed me." Koki told him gently. "The doctor's giving me antibiotics just in case."

"You're hurt,Ē Ueda pointed out. "I'm the one supposed to be taking care of you."

"You took care of me, and I'll be fine," Koki told him. "Now it's my turn to take care of you."

"Yes, care." Ueda said, he fell asleep again.

******************

It was fairly easy for Koki to take care of Ueda. His friend was so weak that he either laid in bed watching anything on TV, or slept. Koki decided that the fever must have taken over Ueda's brain. He would cry at cm.

The good news was that Koki had begun to remember more and more of his past. It was like waves of the sea. He could remember just how miserable he had been with Kame. The way that Ueda had stolen his heart. But it was like clips on a sampler, it wasn't the whole thing.

A pet food cm was on, and Ueda began to cry. It was a cm about a lost dog, and the owner who found it. Koki didn't think it was that sentimental.

"It's all right," Koki sat next to Ueda on the bed; he reached out rubbing Ueda's shoulder.

"But it's so sad," Ueda sobbed. Then another cm came on, this one about newlyweds getting an apartment. That made Ueda's sobs even louder.

"What's wrong with this one?" Koki asked.

"I want to have a house with you." He looked at Koki, his eyes dark with fever. "I want to spend my life with you."

"I do too." Koki confessed.

Ueda looked at his hand. "Our wedding ring, where is it?"

"Wedding ring?" Koki repeated.

"You don't remember, but we got married." Ueda told him. "I promised that I would never take off our ring."

Koki picked the ring off the bed side table. He took Ueda's hand and slid it on his finger. For the first time he realized it was identical to the ring he always wore. A memory came, just a brief one. Of them on a hill, with the stars as their witness. The moon was full. Then Koki put the ring on Ueda's finger. Then they where kissing.

"We got married," Koki breathed.

"My husband," Ueda kissed the ring. Then his eyes flickered shut, and he fell back asleep.

Koki looked down to his own ring. Since the accident he had worn it on his right hand. He took it off, and slid it onto his left ring finger. It looked as if it were meant to be there.

************************

Ueda didn't sleep long, that was the problem with his illness, and he had troubles resting. Besides Koki had to wake him to take his meds. Ueda's throat was swollen from the strep, and it hurt him to swallow. So Koki had to mix the powders the way the doctor had prescribed. It wasn't that hard, just add all the powders together, and then add water. But it always made Koki nervous.

"Time to take your medicines," Koki tried to smile.

"Yuck," Ueda pulled a face. "They taste terrible."

"You have to take them to get better," Koki reminded him. "Now take them, or I'll sit on you and force them down your throat."

Ueda sat up and Koki handed him the glass. Carefully Ueda drank the stuff. He made faces as he drank. Then when he was finished, he handed the glass back to Koki and lay back down.

"How are you feeling?" Koki asked concerned.

"Not so good," Ueda admitted. "I feel so weak."

"Why didn't you tell anyone you where sick?"

"I had too many responsibilities to be sick." he looked at Koki. "Why are you caring for me?"

"Why do you think? Koki smiled, he wiped Ueda's face again. Then his fingers touched Ueda's cheeks. He was hot, really hot. His face was flushed with the fever. "You still have a fever."

"I'm sorry to trouble you."

"It's no bother." Koki told him truthfully.

***************

Koki took out his cell phone, and dialed his motherís number. After exchanging greetings, he asked. "Mother, remember that stuff you used to give me when I was sick?"

"What's wrong? Are you sick?" Tanaka-san asked concerned.

He looked at his sleeping roommate. "No, it's not me, it's Ueda-kun. He has strep A with a very high fever."

"It's a tea made with ginger, the recipe is simple." she listed the ingredients. Then reminded him that it was good to use cold to wipe Ueda with. It could perhaps make the fever go down.

Koki hung up the phone and went to the kitchen. He began to go through cabinets, looking for the right ingredients. Soon the mixture was completed. He tasted it. The tea brought back fond memories.

Koki poured some of the tea into a bowl and added ice cubes. Then he went back to the bedroom.

Ueda was awake, watching him. His eyes were dark from fever. "I'm sorry,"

'For what?" Koki set the bowl by the bed.

"I had a dream that you told me that I'm a bad leader." tears began to fall down his face. "You're right; I'm not a good leader."

'That's not true, youíre the best leader." he tried to soothe. He sat down on the bed beside Ueda.

"Don't lie to me. You're the only one that tells me the truth. The real truth." the tears continued to fall. "I want to quit."

"You don't want to quit. It's just your fever trying to trick you." Koki dabbed the cloth into the tea, he began to wipe Ueda's face with it.

"Just once, I wish you could look at me without hatred in your eyes. Even when you canít' remember, the look is still there." He reached up, touching Koki's hand. "But I don't deserve that. Leader's should be perfect."

"You are perfect," Koki felt under Ueda's jaw. He was still so very hot.

****************

Ueda was sleeping, but he again had begged Koki not to leave him. Koki went the DVD player and decided to check out Ueda's DVDís. One was a disk simply labeled us. He put it in the DVD player.

The first thing he saw was the furniture in the living room pushed back, and Ueda practicing a routine with Koki. Then he saw himself stop, and say. "Can I watch you dance?"

Ueda smiled at him. "I'd like that."

Koki sat down, and Ueda began to dance for him. He could see himself smiling as Ueda danced. Ueda's dance became for sensual. He closed his eyes as he danced.

Then suddenly the music stopped. Ueda opened his eyes.

"God you're beautiful." Koki gasped.

"Men aren't beautiful."

"You are," he watched himself get to his feet, and then he did something unexpected. He kissed Ueda.

Koki watched out take after outtake. He could see the strain in their relationship near the very end. The last one was taped the day of the accident.

The last scene. Ueda stood in front of the camera. His eyes were red rimed from crying.

"Koki, this is for you. If you find this disk. Please try to understand about our love. The accident took you from me. When you woke, and couldn't remember, I so wanted to tell you the truth. But the doctors decided it would be best for your recovery if I didn't force you to remember." He wiped a tear from his face. "We had a fight right before the accident. Why didn't you ever listen to me? I thought you trusted me. But you didn't. That made me hurt more then any beating I ever had... I know I should get over you. That you'll never hold me in your arms again, or tell me you love me. But I can't...I can't stop loving you."

Koki turned the DVD player off. He then went into the bedroom. Ueda lay sleeping, he looked so vulnerable. Memories began to flood through his mind, until the flood became a typhoon. He could remember everything, even their rocky times.

Koki could now remember everything about the photo. Koki had been so angry, that he hadn't even bothered to listen to Ueda's' pleas of innocence. Now he realized just how wrong he was. How was he ever going to make up to Ueda for what he did to him? How could Ueda still love him after everything Koki put him through?

*******************

Koki prepared Ueda breakfast. His friend was getting better. The fever had broken during the night. Five days Koki taken care of the ill Ueda. Koki hadn't told Ueda the good news about getting his memories back. He had wanted to wait until Ueda was completely well.

Koki took the food into the bedroom. He set it on the bedside table, and then pushed the table so that it was in reach of Ueda.

"Here you are Tat-Chan," Koki told him. "Do you have enough pillows?"

"I'm fine." Ueda told him.

"Then I'll let you eat." Koki turned to leave.

He had gotten to the door, when Ueda said very softly. "Please, Koki, stay."

"Of course leader." Koki felt a knot in his stomach as he sat down on the chair.

"You don't have to help me anymore." Ueda told him. "I can take care of myself."

Koki felt his stomach churn. Ueda no longer wanted him near by. All he had been was a glorified nurse's aide. He realized that Ueda's protests that he needed Koki had simply been because of the fever. Not because he really cared for him.

"You're right; you can now take care of yourself." Koki got to his feet. "I've done too much to ever be forgiven."

"What do you mean, you've done too much?" Ueda sounded puzzled.

"I still can't believe I hurt the man I loved," Koki looked away from him. "The one that I married on the hill top."

"You remember being married?" Ueda sounded like he couldn't believe his ears.

"I found the disk," Koki confessed.

"Oh," Ueda looked away from him, ashamed. "I never wanted you to watch that. You probably think I'm pathetic don't you?"

"No Tatsuya, I don't. Without the disk, I probably would never have remembered." Koki sat on the edge of the bed. "I watched the DVD several times. Every time I watched it. I remembered a little bit more."

"You can remember." Ueda looked back up to him; his eyes were filled with tears.

"I remember everything," Koki tried to smile but the tears blocked it.

"I never thought this day would come." One single tear rolled down his cheek.

. "I'm sorry for everything I put you through." Koki said sincerely. "I will always regret not trusting you."

"I forgive you." Ueda reached out, touching Koki's hand. "Come back to me."

"Can you forgive me for the hell I put you through?"

"Isn't that the point of being married?" Ueda asked. "That we can forgive each other?"

"I love you," Koki confessed.

Ueda smiled his special smile for Koki. The one that Koki didn't realize he missed. "I love you too."

"I'm back," Koki smiled at him.

"Rest with me," Ueda told him. "We've both need our rest."

Koki stretched out on the bed beside Ueda. He took the still recovering leader into his arms. "Rest now, you have me here."

Ueda settled his head on Junno's shoulder. "You know, we never went on a honeymoon."

"Oh we didn't, did we?"

"Yeah, when we get well, can we have one?" Ueda asked.

"As soon as we get well." Koki promised.

"Can I have a kiss?"

"You never have to ask." Koki kissed his lover's lips. Their mouths began to slide together. Ueda opened himself to the kiss. It was like their bodies melted together. Koki was injured, and Ueda was sick, but it didn't matter they needed each other.

"It will be different this time," Koki promised between kisses.

He felt Ueda's hands trying to pull off his clothes. "Please Koki, I need you."

Koki pulled away from Ueda. He wanted his lover as much as his lover wanted him, but he knew the time wasn't right. "When you get well."

Ueda pouted, but Koki put his head back on his shoulder. Soon, very soon he could hear Ueda snoring softly in his ear.

Koki was now well; his mind remembered everything in his past. But the memory had brought back some thing wonderful. It had brought back Ueda to his arms.