Title: Life is Like Chess 1/?
Part One: LA
Sequel to: The Latest Upgrade
Note: this part is more like a bit of little stories taken from Jin's memories.
Summary: Jin gets hooked on drugs in LA. But can Kame rescue him?
Jin had been diagnosed with a mental illness the summer before the 24 hour TV marathon. The doctors told him it would be best if he took a rest, just until his illness was stabilized. Jin decided that he wanted to go to America, to study English. Johnny-sama had made such a big deal of his break. Jin had a press conference. His friends from the group had been there, everyone promised that Jin would be back.
Jin wished he had never gone to America. That was when the problems started with Jin. He had quickly run out of his medication, and being ashamed of his mental illness didn't try and get help. Instead, he had jumped into the club scene headlong. There were parties all the time in America, and Jin loved a good party. He would let himself get picked up all the time. He always thought a party wasn't good unless he had sex.
"I have something I want to try with you," The guy Jin picked up told him.
"What is it?" Jin asked.
"It's called a booty bump." He showed the plug to Jin. "Let me put it inside you. It will make sex feel out of this world."
"It's not addictive is it?" Jin asked.
"Course not!" The guy lied. "It's just cold medicine."
So Jin let the one night stand put the booty bump inside of him. Then he let himself go for mindless sex. Jin couldn't believe the rush he felt. He had never felt so good in his life. Jin wanted more of it, much more.
Soon Jin was 'bumping' at almost every night. The guy who gave him his first booty bump was named Mike. His new boy friend seemed to like him, and soon they went out almost exclusively. Every time Mike would give him a plug of the stuff. Soon Jin was craving the plugs. He realized he was an addict, and he couldn't stop. He craved the stuff. He would do anything just to have another hit.
Then one day, Mike announced to him that he was no longer going to give Jin bumps for free. From then on there would be a price.
"How much?" Jin asked Mike.
When the date quoted the price, Jin knew he couldn't afford it. "That much?"
"There is other ways," Mike smiled evilly. "Some dealerís trade favors for crystal meth."
"Crystal Meth?" Jin gasped. "Is that what I've been taking? I need more."
"Tell you what, you sleep with who I tell you to, and give me all your money." Mike told him. "I'll give you your drugs, for free."
The craving was overcoming him. All Jin could do was nod and say yes, he would do it.
Soon Jin was working for Mike's escort agency. Mike was Jin's pimp. Jin knew he got good money for selling himself. It wasn't like he was a street prostitute. He sold himself to high class business men. He never got to keep any of the money; it all went to feed his habit.
Mike had other prostitutes. Most of them whores who sold themselves for a lot less then what Jin made. They resented Jin for getting so much money. There were times the other prostitutes had caught Jin alone. They would beat Jin. . The last time had been the worst. Something inside of Jin snapped. All Jin wanted to do was hurt those who had hurt him.
The months passed. It seemed like endless months, Jin learned English, how could he not? That was the only language his client's talked. Yes, Mike had Japanese customers, but they wanted white boys. Not some guy who bore a strange resemblance to a Kat-Tun member.
Mike always left him alone unless he had a call. Usually his customers were rich men who wanted a bit of Japanese flesh. Jin usually earned enough plugs to last him for a few days with every date.
Jin's ketai had rung, and Jin knew it could mean only one thing.
"I have a customer for you." Mike told him. "He's Japanese. A big star. Perhaps you even know him."
"Why would you think I know him?" Jin countered.
"Oh I don't know, I hear all the girls want him." Mike said.
"Then why is he calling an escort service?" Jin asked. "That is, if everyone really wants him?"
"What do I care? He will pay good money for a Japanese boy."
"Good money?" Jin repeated. 'Then I want twice my usual amount of meth."
"No problem there," Mike chuckled. "The John told me he wanted one that looks like his friend. I think you fit the bill."
"How can you be so sure?" Jin asked. For some reason this date seemed to be suspect.
"He emailed me a photo of the guy he wanted. You look a whole lot like him. Almost as if you where his twin." Mike said. "I'll give you the hotel."
So Jin went to the hotel. It was easy to find the room. He felt nervous, more then just a little nervous. Some guy had come to America from Japan to have a date with someone who looked like him? It didn't make sense. Still he dressed in the outfit that the customer requested. Clothes he used to wear all the time in Japan. He wore a dark tank top tucked into baggy green jeans, boots a green flannel shirt tied around his waist, and a denim jacket.
Kame had come to America to film a cm. No problem there, he had tried to call his old friend Jin, but he was never home. Kame realized he must be out with his friends or at school.
Then he spotted the booklet in his hotel room. He looked through it. It was fairly new. The booklet was for escort services. One ad caught his eye. It was for a gay escort service. One of the prostitutes looked so much like Jin he could be his brother.
If Kame couldn't have Jin, he could have his brother. He found himself calling the number. The receptionist seemed to be helpful, but had no idea who the guy was in the pamphlet, or even if he worked there. Kame told him he would email her a photo of the guy he wanted with his ketai.
After a few minutes a man called him. It was the owner of the service. He had an escort working for him that was a look alike of the photo Kame had sent. In fact, the look alike had made good money in Japan acting in AV's as the one Kame wanted. The owner would be able to help Kame. In fact, the boy was free that very night. He was just a little more expensive then most of his boys.
Kame found himself telling this man, named Mike that money was no object. He would pay any price to have the escort.
So Kame waited. He wasn't usually the type that used escorts. But this one was different. He really missed Jin, and if he couldn't have the one he missed, he could have a look alike.
Finally, there was a knocking at his hotel room door. Kame got to his feet and answered it. He had thought of all the things he would say. The escort would have questions. If he really was a look alike of Jin's he would know who Kame was.
Kame opened the door. Standing in front of him was not a look alike, but Akanishi Jin, dressed in the way that Kame had told Mike he wanted his lover to dress.
"Kame what are you doing here?" Jin gasped.
"I'm here filming a cm." He looked around Jin, out to the hallway. He hoped that Jin hadn't seen his date for the evening; it would be way too embarrassing. "It's good to see you; it's just that I'm expecting a date. So can you go?"
"A date?" Jin repeated. "You can't expect me to believe that you of all people would hire an escort for the evening."
"It's not your business who I hire."
"How can you be here?" Jin asked. "Why didn't you call me?"
"Why are you so shocked to see me?" Kame asked. "I mean you're the one that visited me."
"Perhaps I couldn't believe it was you." Jin was lying. Something was up with him. He didn't look completely healthy to Kame. He had lost a good deal of weight while staying in America.
"I hate to say good bye, but my date will be arriving any moment."
"I can't leave," Jin told him. "Not without the money."
"You're paying four thousand for a date tonight aren't you?" Jin said knowingly. "Mike sent me."
Kame grabbed Jin and drug him into the room, shutting and locking the door behind him. "Mike runs an escort service."
"I know that." Jin told him. "I do work for him."
"You're a prostitute?" Kame couldn't believe his ears. "Why on earth would you sell yourself?"
"I do, that's all you need to know." Jin sounded harsher then usual.
"I want you to spend the night with me," Kame decided. He tried to act professional. Which was hard when his oldest friend was standing in front of him? Kame resisted the urge to take Jin in his arms and hold him.
Jin waited as Kame quickly got on the phone and called Mike. Promising a huge amount of money to keep Jin for several days. Then he hung up the phone.
While he waited, Jin realized that all of this was a sick joke on Mike's part. He had probably gotten a call from Kame, and thought it would be funny if he sent Jin out. Mike was one of the few people he worked with who knew who Jin really was.
"We're friends, why do I have to pay you at all?" Kame tried to reason.
"Because if I don't pay Mike, he will get angry." Jin said truthfully. He couldn't tell Kame the whole truth. If Kame didn't pay him, he wouldn't get his meth.
"Why are you doing this?" Kame demanded. "You have so much talent! Why must you sell yourself?"
"Isn't that what we do anyway?" Jin tried to reason. "Girls pay us to sing. That's selling us. Just now I use just my body, not my voice."
"Does this Mike guy have your passport?" Kame asked.
"Of course he doesn't." Jin told Kame. "He always makes me carry it with me, to prove that I'm Japanese."
"What will Mike do if you don't go back to him?" Kame began to pace the room, thinking. He always paced when he thought.
"He'll get me deported." Jin couldn't tell Kame about his habit.
"That wouldn't be so bad."
"Listen, we need to stop talking. I get paid for sex."
Kame picked up an envelope and shoved it at Jin. "If that's all you want, you can have your money! Now get the hell out."
Jin looked down to the envelope; it was twice his normal fee. He couldn't believe that Kame would pay so much for someone who simply looked like him. Something popped out of Jinís mouth, something that changed Jin's entire future. "I don't want to go back to working for Mike."
'Then don't," Kame said firmly. "You have your passport. I can call Johnny-sama. I can arrange it so you come home."
"Why would you do that for me?" Jin had learned that in America, everything had a price.
"We're friends, friends help each other out." Kame smiled at him. "Now let me call Johnny-sama."
All Jin could do was nod. He sat down on the couch. He put the money down. What the hell was he going to do? Kame was trying to arrange his return home. Perhaps, just perhaps if he did go home, then his habit could go away.
Kame shoved the phone in Jin's hands. Jin was terrified to talk to Johnny-sama, but he told him the truth. He wanted to return to Japan. Johnny-sama agreed that it was time for him to return home. He would make arrangements for his flight home, and he would make sure that Mike wouldn't bother him again.
After he got off the phone, Jin handed the envelope back to Kame. "I don't need this anymore."
Kame sat down beside him. "You don't know how much I've missed you."
"I've missed you too," Jin told him.
"You're little career as a prostitute. I think that should be a secret." Kame decided. "Don't you?"
"Yeah, I do."
"I want the old Jin back," Kame admitted. He kissed Jin. He sighed and gave into the kiss. "I love you Jin."
Jin lay in bed with Kame. He let Kame hold him. Why didn't he know about Kame's feelings before he had left Japan? Why did he have to find out by Kame trying to get a prostitute that looked like him? Why did he have to hear that Kame loved him here, in this hotel room? The problem was, somewhere inside of Jin, he loved Kame. Though he couldn't admit to it.
"I want everything back the way it was," Jin said softly.
"Do I have to pay you?" Kame asked.
"Youíre not a customer."
"How can I be sure of that?" Kame asked, he suddenly looked very afraid.
"I don't let customers kiss me." Jin kissed Kame. When Kame didn't kiss back, he pulled away from him. "I'm going to have to earn your trust, aren't I?"
"Perhaps," Kame told him. "I'm just mad that if you needed money, you didn't ask me."
"I got into debt with a loan shark," Jin lied. "How could I tell my best friend that? Before I knew it, I was being forced to work off my debt."
"Johnny-sama talked to Mike. He probably paid off your debt." Kame seemed to believe Jin's lie.
"I hope so." He lay on his back. "I owe all of you a lot. I don't know how I'll ever repay you."
"Well, for a start, you can earn it off." Kame was suddenly snuggling against Jin. "You can be my kept boy."
"Youíre kept boy?" Jin repeated.
"Yeah, I hear Tackey has one." Kame waited a beat. "You know, Tsubasa."
Jin realized that Kame was kidding. He grabbed Kame and kissed him hard. Jin let Kame push him onto his back and make love to him.
Jin was going home, because of the love of Kame. He just hoped that when he got home that the habit that ate at his soul would go away. Because he now knew that Kame loved him, and he wanted to stay with Kame forever.
Jin found himself back in Japan, Ueda had been there to great him at the airport. Jin had wanted to tell Ueda about Kame, to tell him that he wanted to leave Ueda for Kame. He knew that Ueda had someone else. Kame told Jin about Ueda living with Junno. Jin knew that he should have let Ueda move on. That what they had was in the past. Then perhaps, just perhaps he could have a future with Kame.
Jin couldn't let Ueda move on. Ueda had a deep dark secret. The type of secret the agency tried to keep out of the press. But Jin knew that the secret could feed the cravings that took everything. He needed a fix, he needed one badly. The habit he had hoped would stay in America had traveled with him back to Japan. It asked, no demanded that Jin take the crystal meth that he so hated. Ueda, gentle, sweet Ueda could help feed that habit.
Ueda's grand father was yakazuka. Even though Ueda's father had left the business, he still had ties. Jin knew that with enough persuasion, he could convince Ueda to get him some crystal meth. He was going through some severe withdrawals. He felt like he would kill someone if he didn't get his fix.
"I know your family is involved with the yakazuka." Jin told him. "Your grandfather's pretty high up isn't he?"
"So? I'm not," Ueda moved closer to him, trying to kiss him.
"I need crystal meth!" he shoved Ueda away. "I haven't had any since I came back to Japan!"
"Jin, that's bad stuff. I've seen what crystal meth does to people. It destroys their lives!" Ueda insisted. "You shouldn't take it."
"I don't need your preaching at me!" Jin shouted. "I need some meth! Now call your grandfather and tell him I need some!"
"You've got to be kidding!' Ueda told him. "I'm lucky that my father was allowed to leave the Yakazuka. I'm not going to risk my familyís freedom for just a fix."
Jin punched Ueda hard in the face. Ueda looked at him, tears in his eyes. "I can't go to my grandfather!"
"You will do as I tell you to!"
"No! Go to hell!" Ueda snapped. "I won't feed a god damned meth addict!"
Ueda's words made something inside Jin snap. Jin knew that Ueda could get him the stuff, Jin just had to get it out of him. Jin took off his belt and began to beat Ueda over and over on the back. His lover curled on the floor, his arms trying to protect his head. He screamed with every hit.
"Please, Jin, stop hitting me." Ueda sobbed.
"Will you get me my meth?" Jin demanded.
"Yes! I will!"
"You have ten seconds." Jin growled. 'Or I'll kill you!"
Ueda got up, terrified he ran to his wallet. He took out a card from his wallet and handed it to Jin. "Here's the name of a dealer, He works for my grandfather. He'll give you a good deal.'
"How do you know he'll give me good stuff?" Jin demanded.
"Tell him you're my boy friend." With that, Ueda went into the bathroom and locked the door. Jin could hear him sobbing.
Jin didn't care that his boy friend was crying. All he could care about was his drugs. He picked up his ketai and rang the number. With in an hour, he had enough for a week. As soon as the dealer had left, he pulled his pants down and given himself a booty bump. Shoving the drug up inside of him. After that, time seemed to slow down to a stand still.
He went to the bathroom, and knocked on the door. He begged Ueda to forgive him. His lover opened the door. Jin kissed his lover, promising that everything would be better. He would never hurt Ueda again. Ueda seemed to believe him. The make up sex was wonderful, but then again, Jin always liked having sex when high.
So much had changed in the relationship between Kame and Jin since Jin's return to Japan. Jin had moved back in with Ueda. Something, Kame wasn't sure what it was had changed in Jin. His friend was a baka, but it had become more then that. Jin was now self-centered, cruel.
Jin was on something. Kame wasn't sure what. Just Jin kept bragging that the stuff he got in Japan was much more potent then the stuff he got in LA. His supplier insisted it was pure. Jin had higher highs. The lows were very low. After the stuff wore off, Jin always seemed to go into withdrawals, it was then when he would lash out at just about anyone with his fist. He also got very paranoid. Jin would get convinced that everyone was conspiring against him.
Kame wasn't sure why he let Jin back into his life. Jin was like an addiction. No one could hold Kame, could make Kame feel as important then Jin did. So Kame got into the routine of being the other man in Jin's life. He didn't feel guilty. Ueda was in love with Junno. Everyone knew that. Kame knew that Ueda was cheating on Jin with Junno.
They were lying in bed together. Kame's bed. They never spent any time in Jin's bed, they couldn't. That bed was reserved for Ueda.
"Why do you stay with him?" Kame finally asked Jin.
"Stay with whom?" Jin asked.
"Ueda, why do you live with him?"
"You wouldn't understand." Jin's whole body was shaking.
"He cheats on you."
Jin suddenly looked very sick. "I'll be right back."
Jin grabbed his bag and went into the bathroom. Kame knew he shouldn't spy, but this was Jin, and he had to know what was going on. The bath room door was opened a crack. Kame peeked inside. He watched as Jin took something that looked like a small suppository out of his bag. He reached behind him, and with practice, inserted it in himself. Then he leaned against the sink gasping. Then after about two minutes, Jin stood up, he giggled.
That was when Jin spied Kame. He looked up to Kame. Kame was a bit afraid, would Jin loose his temper? Instead, Jin walked to him. He now looked drunk.
"Hey baby, want to booty bump?" Jin's voice was slurred.
"A booty bump?" Kame repeated.
"Crystal meth," Jin smiled. "Best place to take it is in the booty. No pin holes in your arms and it won't rot your teeth."
"No thank you," Kame tried to keep his temper. "Did Ueda put you on this?"
"No! But his grandpa's people supply me."
"His grandpa's people?"
"His grandpa is Yakazuka." He pulled Kame to him and gave him a sloppy kiss. "Let's not talk about him. He's just the guy I use to get my stuff. Let's talk about us."
"What about us?" Kame repeated.
"Love you Kazuya." Jin kissed Kame.
"Where did you get hooked on this stuff?" Kame asked.
"LA baby! The place where they sell jacked up booty bumps." Jin said in English. He kissed Kame again. "But Japan's booty bumps are better. They have angel dust in them!"
Jin was high on crystal meth. Kame knew that it wasn't right to be with Jin when he was like this. But he had seen Jin when he was like this and things didn't go his way. Sometimes he went crazy, really crazy. Kame now knew that Jin's craziness was caused by the meth and angel dust.
"Does Kazuya love Jin-Jin?" Jin asked.
"Yes, I love you." Kame admitted.
"Then let's do it baby," Jin said in English.
Kame gave in. As he did, he hated himself. He let Jin pull him to the bed.
Jin hated Japanese crystal meth. Because of Ueda's connections, Jin had gotten pure stuff. Stuff that was so potent, that it made Jin's habit even worse. Jin now had to take the plugs every day. He learned from the dealer that the meth had other stuff in it, PCP. He had flipped out once in LA with angel dust, now he was addicted to that too. Jin would have given everything to get off the angel dust and crystal meth.
The angel dust made Jin violent; he had begun to beat Ueda almost every day. He blamed Ueda for his addiction. If Ueda had been stronger, then he wouldn't have given Jin the name of the dealer, and Jin would have never have become addicted to angel dust.
Several weeks later, Jin woke to find both Ueda and Kame in his bed. Jin couldn't remember what happened the night before. Had they had a threesome? That was the problem with angel dust; it did one of two things to Jin, made him forget, or made him violent. Jin never knew which would happen to him. But because of the addiction, he couldn't stop taking it.
Kame was the first to get up. Kame's eyes flashed with anger. "This isn't going to happen again Jin."
"I donít' even remember it happening," Jin admitted. "I must have gotten a strong batch of drugs."
"What ever." Kame never let Jin use drugs as an excuse. Kame always thought it was Jin's fault since he was the one that took the drugs. Kame put on his robe. "I'm going to make some coffee." With that, Kame went into the other room.
That left Jin alone with Ueda. Jin knew he should let Ueda go. He knew that Ueda didn't want to be with him. That he was only with him because he was terrified of being hurt.
"You deserve better," Jin told the sleeping Ueda.
It wasn't like Jin loved Ueda. He didn't love anyone. He learned in America that love was highly over rated. That for a few dollars you could get love from anyone.
Ueda's eyes flickered open. He looked at Jin, fear in his eyes. "Was last night good?"
"I donít' remember it." Jin admitted.
Ueda flinched. "You want to do it again, don't you?"
"No, of course not." he paused. "Kame's making some coffee."
"I better go get some." Ueda gingerly got out of bed. He acted as if his whole body was aching. There were fresh bites on his shoulders. Jin knew that he must have bit Ueda. He bit his lover a lot when he was high.
He watched Ueda walk out of the bed room. As he watched him go, Jin realized his life had gone to hell. His addiction was destroying everything.
Jin put on his robe and went into the living room. He could hear Kame and Ueda chatting. Their talking stopped when Jin stepped into the room.
He suddenly felt very as if he knew the truth. Kame and Ueda were out to get him. They were planning against him.
Jin went to the drawer, where he kept his stash. He pulled a plug out. His body was craving another hit. He would feel better if he had just one more plug.
"Jin, don't take any more." Ueda begged. "Please let us have a little time together without the meth."
"Leave me alone." The craving was taking over everything. He punched Ueda hard in the face.
"Ueda's right," Kame tried to take the plug from him. "We both love you. We can work this out without the meth!"
"You're a whore! Why don't you go back onto the streets?" He punched Kame.
Jin kissed the plug, and then he inserted it into himself. He took out another one. He knew he shouldn't do this. That it made him really insane when he took two. But right now he didn't care. He could hear Ueda sob as he pushed the second plug inside of him. After just a few minutes the crying didn't matter to him. He was no longer only mad, he was horny.
Jin grabbed Kame by the hair, pulling him up. Kame got to his feet. Jin shoved Kame over the counter. Without any preparation, he took Kame. His lover's cries of pain didn't matter to him anymore. All Jin could think was his wants, his needs. No one else's mattered to him.
"Please Jin, please stop." Ueda told him. "Kame loves you; you can't hurt him like this."
"Shut up! Or you're next!" he pushed into Kame even harder.
"I hate you!" Kame struggled against Jin. The struggling turned on Jin even more. It took Jin a long time to come. The crystal meth always made Jin's hard ons last longer. He could feel Kame bleeding, but he didn't care. All he wanted was his pleasure. Finally, Jin came hard.
Jin looked around; he realized Kame needed some discipline. He grabbed something out of the sink, a wooden spatula. He pulled out of Kame and began to whip Kame with it. The spatula broke, and Jin started looking for something else to hurt Kame with. He found it, but had to let Kame go to get it.
Kame turned, he tried to fight Jin. He was different then Ueda in that way, he wouldn't allow himself to be intimidated. Something inside Jin snapped, he grabbed a pan off the stove and hit Kame again and again with it. Until Kame was a heap on the floor.
Jin had finally broken Kame. He knew he would have to beat Kame again, just to make sure he was broken. Jin took a cord and tied Kame to the cabinet. The cord dug into Kame's skin. Jin didn't care. In the state he was in he thought that Kame deserved it.
"I expect you to be here when I get done with Ueda!" Jin ordered.
"Go to hell!" Kame spat.
"I'm all ready there!" Jin grabbed Ueda and pulled him into the bedroom.
When Jin finally got off this high, Kame was gone. There was blood all over the kitchen floor, as if someone had cut himself. A bloody knife was on the floor. He found the cord that had bound Kame, it was soaked in blood. He had left a note.
"After what you did to me this morning, weíre over. I'm not Ueda. You can't just use me the way you do him. I'll work with you, but I'll no longer be your friend. You've proved to me who your real friend is. You have a lover named crystal meth. Don't even talk to me. I will turn you over to the police if you do.
Jin looked at the note. Kame was gone. Jin knew Kame, he would never come back. He looked at the bed, at the sleeping Ueda. He felt the anger overcome him. He was mad that Kame had left him. He couldn't take it out on Kame, but he could on poor unsuspecting Ueda. He took a belt out of his drawer, and advanced towards Ueda.
Jin had become out of control at Junno's birthday party. He had broken Ueda's elbow and arm in two different places. But anyone who knew Jin knew that he had been insane for several months before the party. Johnny-sama ordered that Jin be hospitalized. He let Kame and Koki come with Jin, it would be easier to control him that way. The hospital staff had taken Jin with them. The promised Kame that Jin would be taken care of.
At first Kame didn't know why he should come to the hospital. For the first few weeks Jin had been in a special room with a two way mirror. Jin couldnít come out of the room. He was dangerous, very dangerous. The angel dust had affected Jin's mind. The withdrawals had been terrible. Jin had tried to kill himself while he suffered withdrawals. Most of the time Jin was in restraints. That bothered Kame. He hated seeing Jin in restraints, but he knew the hospital had no other choice. Just as they had no choice when they shave Jin's head.
Even the room Jin had been put in was for his protection. The walls were white, padded. There was no furniture, or windows. But there was a large two way mirror. It was so depressing. It would have driven Kame insane.
Then Kame realized, the man he was visiting wasn't really Jin, oh it was his body. But the real Jin, the one that Kame had fallen in love with, was dead. Jin had killed his real self with the drugs.
Still, Kame visited, as often as he could. He wanted to watch Jin, to make sure that Jin wouldn't hurt anyone. He looked down to the scar on his wrist. He had cut himself trying to get away from Jin. He hated Jin, really hated him. There would be no way he could ever forgive him.
As time went by, Jin became more and more normal. Jin was now sober. He would simply sit in the room. Not talking to anyone but the doctors. They still said he wasn't well enough to have visitors. Jin was now going through depression. His mind wracked with guilt of things he did while on drugs. The staff forced him to get clean, they kept shaving his head. He wasn't allowed hair, in case he tried to pull it all out again.
To try and make Jin feel better, he was moved to a new room. One that was more normal, it had a bed, a small desk, even a window Jin could look out of. They gave him books and magazines. Kame brought him some suduko games and pens to work them. He told the nurses not to tell Jin who had given him the games.
"I used to have a friend named Kame." Kame one day heard Jin tell the doctors. "I hurt him. At least that's what I think I did. I can't remember."
"That is probably for the best." The doctor told him.
"I have very few memories of what I did when I was on angel dust." Jin admitted. "My last real memory is Kame telling me he loved me. I need to know more."
"You will heal better if you just put that part of your life behind you." The doctor told him.
"Please doctor; make me remember what I did to him." Jin begged.
"Why do you want to remember?"
"So I can hate myself." Jin said simply. "How can I hate myself for what I did to Kame, until I know what I did?"
Kame walked away at that point. He couldn't believe it. Jin wanted to hate himself. He didn't know if that was as unbelievable as Jin not remembering what he did to him.
Then Kame realized, this was something Jin would have done. Jin would want to know all the crimes he committed. He wouldn't want to simply put them in his past. This wasn't the drug addicted Jin. He didn't care what people thought.
One day, Kame came to look in on Jin; it was like all the other days. Jin was sitting on his bed. He was looking at something torn out of a magazine. He had tears rolling down his cheeks. "Kame, why can't I remember what I did to you? Why can't we be like it was when this photo was taken?"
It was a photo of the two of them. Kame turned and left. He went to a near by book store. There was a section on idols. Not all of the books were official. He found one. An Akame book, at least that's what the book was called; the cashir looked at him strangly. But Kame has smiled as if it didn't matter.
He went back to the hospital. He stopped at Jin's floor's nurseís station. He smiled at a nurse. "Can you please give this to Akanishi-kun?"
"He's not allowed to have visitors yet." The nurse snapped, then went back to her computer.
Kame turned the corner, and went down the hallway. He would have leave with Jin getting his present.
"Kamenashi-kun!" A nurseís aide ran quickly down the hallway.
"Can I help you?" he asked.
"I can give your present to Akanishi-kun," She told him.
'Thank you," Kame handed her the bag.
Kame followed the nurse's aide to Jin's room. He stepped back a little so that Jin couldn't see him.
"You had a visitor," The girl told him. "He wanted to give you something, but since you're not allowed visitors yet, I told him I would give it to you."
"Thank you," Jin told her.
The nurse's aide left the room. Jin took the book out of the bag. "How does anyone know how much I miss you?" Then Jin kissed the book.
Kame decided to leave Jin to his new book. He turned and left the hospital. Kame couldn't help but smile. For the first time, he realized that Jin was back. Jin had returned, the real Jin. But that Jin was very ill. When Kame began to think of his friend as being ill, instead of evil. He began to forgive him.
Finally the day came when Jin was allowed visitors. Kame had to talk to him, but he had to make an excuse. If he didn't Jin might think they where friends again.
Kame brought the chess set for the first time. Then he walked into Jin's room as if he did this every day of the week. Jin looked up to Kame, his mouth flew open. Then he was reaching around in a drawer quickly, pulling out a baseball cap. He shoved it on his bald head.
"Kame," Jin gasped. "What are you doing here?"
"Want to play chess?" Kame asked him. For his safety, the door stayed open.
"Yes," Jin finally said.
Kame sat down. He had brought a folding table with him. He set the chess board on it. Then set it up.
"Why are you here?" Jin asked.
"I want to play chess." Kame told him. "This doesn't mean we're friends. When you can beat me, I won't come again."
"I understand." Jin told him, his eyes were sad.
They played for a while. They talked as they played.
"How is Tat-Chan doing?" Jin asked.
"He isn't going to come visit you," Kame said harshly.
Jin flinched. "I didnt' expect him to."
"Then why ask?"
"The doctor told me that I hurt him badly." Jin seemed to be fascinated by the chess pieces. "I just want to know if he's recovered."
"His cast has been removed." Kame told him. "He's with Junno."
"I'm glad," he said softly. "Tat-Chan deserves to have someone who loves him, who can make him happy."
"Is there anything you want me to tell him?"
"Just tell him that I'm sorry." Jin looked up to Kame. "I know it isn't much, but I am really sorry I hurt him."
"I'll tell him." Kame promised.
Jin was put in the hospital. The entire group was on a two month break, so that Ueda and Junno could heal. Jin had to heal too. His mind was just as broken as Ueda and Junno's broken bones. Jin knew that the group had to go on without him again.
The doctors at the hospital helped him deal with his mental illness and his drug addition the withdrawals from crystal meth had been bad, really bad. During them Jin hit rock bottom. He never wanted to take the drug ever again.
During the withdrawal, Jin had done some horrible things to himself. The worst was he had pulled great chunks of hair out of his head. The staff had shaved his head. Then weekly, they would shave it again. Hair was something Jin had to earn, and he hadn't earned it yet. So when he was out of his room he would wear a cap. He wasn't sure where he got it. Like many things in his room, it had just appeared one day.
He had a photo that he had torn out of a magazine. When no one was looking, he would pull it out and look at it. It reminded him of everything he had lost. Inside he loved Kame more then anything.
Then one day a nurseís aide had brought him an Akame book. It was one of those that were made to make a quick yen from teen aged girls. He realized the aide must have bought it for him. He had driven her insane with his constant talk of Kame. Still, he could look at the one he loved, the one he had lost because of his drug addiction.
He had no visitors for a long time that was because he was dangerous. His room was special too. It had a two way mirror on one side, so he could be watched at all times. Then he had moved to a new room. This one was better with a curtain that he could close, so no one would see him.
The only thing he had was the book. He wished he had Kame, that his friend would rescue him from the hospital the way he had LA. But he knew there was no rescue. Jin knew he was sick. He knew he needed help.
Even though he would get help, there would be no one waiting for him. He had destroyed all of his friendships with his crystal meth.
Then one day, Kame visited him. It wasn't because he wanted to be friends with Jin; it was so that he could play chess.
Jin felt comfort in the chess games. He never expected Kame to show up. It wasn't that Kame could visit every day. He had work. So his friend would come at odd times, sometime at 7 in the morning, sometimes 9 at night. The visits were obligation visits, that's all they were. Jin told himself.
"I brought you something from home." Kame told him during his latest visit.
"What's that?" Jin asked.
Kame took the stuffed animal out of his backpack. It was a stuffed turtle that Kame had won for Jin years before. Jin treasured it. It had been the first gift Kame had ever given Jin. "Kame-Chan told me he was lonely."
He had handed the stuffed animal to Jin. Jin hugged it, the way he wanted to hug the real Kame. But the animal was soft and warm. It made him feel good just to hold it. Then for the first time in a very long time, Jin smiled.
Jin had one regular visitor. Jin still couldn't remember what he did to Kame. The only clue Jin had was the scar that Kame had on his right wrist. The scar was like a large cut around his wrist, almost like someone had cut him. Jin wondered if he had cut Kame.
Kame's excuse for the visits was that he couldn't find anyone to play chess with. He had given Jin a chess set and had taught him how to play chess when they where teens. Now he brought another set for Jin, and again they played. But Jin would purposely loose his chess sets. That meant with every time, Kame had to bring a new one. Kame hadn't suspected the real reason Jin was loosing them, not yet.
Jin didn't tell Kame about the feelings that he had developed for him. He thought he was crazy, falling in love with someone he had victimized.
As Jin's mind began to heal, he had been allowed privileges. He could keep the shades that gave him privacy closed. He was allowed a TV, a radio. But he was never allowed to grow his hair back.
Jin sat at the desk in his room. He was doing a suduko puzzle. He wasn't sure who bought him these, but he got at least one book every week. It seemed to still his mind to do the puzzles.
"How are you?" Kame tapped on the door.
Jin looked up to him from the puzzle. 'I feel good. It's my anniversary."
"What do you mean?" Kame's eyes narrowed.
"I've been off the meth for twenty weeks." Jin told him.
"I'm proud of you," Kame went to him; he put his hand on Jin's shoulder, then he let it trail downwards, until he was rubbing Jin's arm. Jin closed his eyes for a moment. Kame's touches felt so good. Almost, almost if Kame had forgiven him. "The real Jin's back."
"I hope so," Jin tried to smile. "I don't like the crystal Jin. If I have anything to say about it, he won't come back."
"I know he won't." Kame looked at the chess board. "Want to play a game?"
"Help me set up the board." Jin took out the folding table; he placed it in the small space between the bed and the desk. Then he put the board and the men on it. Kame quickly helped him set up the board.
"Last time's winner goes first," Kame said.
'That's you," Jin pointed out.
"I can't wait for you to come back to the group." Kame told him as they played.
"You know, I can't go back." Jin said softly. "I've done too much to be forgiven."
"What about us? What will happen to us?"
"There are no us." Jin pointed out. "You only come here because you have no one else to play chess with."
For the rest of the game, they played in silence. Kame gave him hurt looks as they played, but didn't talk. Then after beating Jin yet again, he had gotten up and without saying anything had left. Jin couldn't understand it. Why was Kame so angry? Jin went to his window. He watched Kame walk out of his life.
Jin had been in the hospital for ten months. Jin's mind had begun to heal, but now Jin was getting really bored. Kame had stopped visiting him, so he was basically alone. Jin had huge amounts of time on his hands. So he decided that he needed to ask his doctor about it.
"I notice you like chess," The doctor told Jin.
"I used to have a friend who played with me all the time." Jin paused. 'He stopped coming to see me."
"Our hospital has a children's ward. It would be really nice if you could teach some of the kidís chess." He suggested.
"I've been giving them chess sets for the past few weeks." Jin told him. "I know how boring it is to have nothing to do."
"Most of them don't know how to play," The doctor pointed out. "How would you like to teach them?"
"Are you sure you can trust me?" Jin countered. "I mean I have a pretty violent past."
"I think volunteer work would really help you with your recovery." The doctor told him.
Jin thought for a moment. "All right, I'll do it."
The next question surprised Jin. "What about your hair, do you like
"No, I do not!" Jin almost shouted.
The doctor smiled. "From now on you're allowed to grow it."
"Thank you doctor!" Jin couldn't help but smile.
The doctor walked Jin to the children's ward. It looked more like a boarding school then a hospital. There were kids there, watching TV. A few played checkers with the chess sets that Jin had given them. Some were teen aged girls. They giggled when they saw him. They recognized him.
"Children, this is Akanishi-kun," The doctor told them. "He is here to teach you chess."
"You mean Akanishi Jin-kun?" One girl asked her friends.
"Yeah, the guy in Kat-Tun who went back to America to study more English." Another said.
"But what's he doing here?" A third girl asked.
"I'm sorry children; I should have given you his whole name." The doctor said. "This is Akanishi Hitoshi-kun. He is first cousins with Akanishi Jin."
"I look forwards to working with you." Jin bowed. His hat fell off, revealing his bald head. The kids laughed, and he found himself laughing back.
Jin tried to put Kame's last visit out of his mind. He knew Kame well enough to know that when Kame got upset, he would tell Jin what was wrong in his own good time. The days passed. Jin wondered if he had made Kame so mad that Kame would never come back. But like the past, Jin didn't know what he did.
Then a post card arrived from Hong Kong, two days later another came, this one from Hawaii. That one had an explanation of what was going on, why he was getting post cards. Kat-Tun was on tour in Asia. Kame would try and send Jin cards from everywhere the group preformed at. There were also little packages. Most of them small turtles carved out of stones or wood. Jin always put the cards on his bulletin board; he had made a little zoo for the turtles on a plate that he kept on his desk.
Jin went to the children's ward. He had been helping out for since the doctors had declared that he needed something to do. He had asked to help the children. . The doctors said he wasn't dangerous, and it would cheer up the children.
Jin had brought his travel game of chess with him. He had taught many of the kids how to play the game. He had lied to Kame, telling him he had lost his games. He had done it so that he could have enough so that several kids could play at the same time.
Jin really liked working with the kids. He had decided that he wanted to work with kids to help them out. He knew he wasn't smart enough to go to college to be a professional. Perhaps someday, he could volunteer some where.
Jin was playing the children's unit champion. The kid was about twelve. She was what was called a 'drug baby'. She had been born addicted to crack. Her mind would never be healed of the demons that plagued it. But playing with her, Jin could really understand her. Her main problems steamed from the fact that she had been abandoned when she was very young.
Midori looked up, seeing something behind Jin and yelped. "That can't be!"
"What's wrong?" Jin asked.
"You know, you look like that guy in Kat-tun?" She told him.
'You mean my cousin?" That had been his cover story that his cousin was in Kat-tun, not him.
"Do you have a friend that just happens to look like Kamenashi-kun?" Midori asked. "Cause there's a guy who looks like Kame standing right behind you."
Jin looked behind him. That was the first time that he realized that Kame was watching him play. Jin sighed, "Great, just great. You've blown my cover."
"We haven't seen each other for six weeks, and that's all you have to say to me?" Kame looked amused.
"Hello Kame, how are you?" Jin asked.
Kame went to his side. "What are you doing Jin?"
"Jin? Kame?" Midori's eyes got huge. "You mean you're really in Kat-tun?"
"Hey, you wont' tell anyone who I really am?" Jin asked.
"No one will believe me," She told him. "I'm supposed to be crazy, remember?"
"So this is where all the chess sets went to?" Kame guessed.
"Yeah, sorry I lied to you." Jin said. "I just needed more to help the kids."
He felt Kame's hand on his shoulder. Kame had been touching his shoulder more and more often. "Do you think the kids will like it if I play too?"
"Yeah, I think they would." Jin agreed.
Finally after spending over two hours helping the children, they returned to Jin's room. Jin left his hat on. He didn't want Kame to see his hair that is until it grew in more. It was longer now, but still not styled. Kame sat with Jin on his bed. There were times like this when Jin wished he had something nicer, like a couch.
"I'm surprised you came back to visit," Jin told Kame. "You've been gone so long."
"Six weeks was too long for a tour," Kame agreed. "In between shows, we had to film varieties. I rarely had a day off."
"Was it a good tour?"
"It wasn't the same without you." Kame admitted. "That was all the press could talk about was you being gone."
"I missed you," Jin admitted.
"I missed you too." Kame paused. "I should have come and told you I wouldn't be here for a while."
"You didn't have to." Jin told him. "I should have trusted you would be back."
"How can you have faith in me?"
"Because youíre my friend. I lov... Sorry, didn't mean to say that." Jin stopped himself. "I know I did something, I'm just not sure what I did. But I'm sorry, really sorry."
"Why do you think you did something?" Kame asked.
"You stopped talking to be during our last visit. Then you left without even saying good bye." Jin said softly. "I know it had to be something I did."
"I thought we were friends," Kame told him. "But you told me that there were no us."
"You're the one that's insisted every day that we weren't friends." Jin reminded him. "You've told me many times that you were only here for the chess."
"I know, I lied." Kame told him. "You became my friend again. I started coming because I wanted to spend time with you."
'Then why didn't you tell me the truth?"
"I thought we could work out our relationship while you where here." Kame didn't answer the question. "I got mad because it didn't seem that you were doing your part."
"There's not much I can do about us while I'm in here," Jin reminded him. "I mean, I do want us to be friends."
"So do I," Kame smiled at him, the special smile he used to always give Jin. "I have something I want to give you, because we are friends."
"Haven't you given me enough?" Jin asked. 'You sent me all those turtles. I made a little pond for them using a plate a nurse's aide gave me."
"That's really cute," Kame looked at the plate that was on Jin's desk.
"I liked that you picked them all the same size." Jin told him. "I don't think their so lonely when their on the plate. They have friends."
Jin closed his eyes for a moment; he realized he had just admitted that he was lonely to Kame. But he was. Kame was his only real visitor. Oh his family visited, but his friends hadn't. Jin was a guy who had a lot of friends. Not being in contact with them depressed him.
"Remember when we went to Thailand, I lost your ring?" Kame pulled something out of his pocket. "I promised you I would buy you another one?"
"That was years ago," Jin reminded him. "I forgot about it."
"I didn't." He passed the box to Jin. "I would really like it if you would wear this."
Jin looked down to the band, it was very intricate. It must have cost Kame a great deal of money. He wished it was more then just a replacement for something Kame lost. Jin decided that no matter what intentions Kame had about the ring, Jin would always think of it as their ring. He slipped it on his ring finger. Then he smiled yet again. "Thank you. I love it."
Kame liked to visit Jin. He wanted to show Jin that he believed in him. During the weeks, he saw the changes in Jin. The biggest change he had seen was the day he had found Jin helping in the children's ward. Jin had finally confessed he did it almost daily. Kame thought it was strange that so many kids would be hooked on chess, but then he realized that after their schoolwork, they might be bored.
Kame had begun to try and discuss their relationship with Jin, but his ex-lover always shot it down. Jin always told him the same thing when he visited. Jin had hurt Kame. He had done too much to be forgiven for. They weren't even friends, not really. But the way Jin looked at him that made Kame realize he was lying. When he left to go home, Jin would always watch him from the window.
Then there was the ring. Kame had given it to Jin after he had returned from the tour of Asia. When he was touring shops in Thailand for a TV show, Kame had found a vender who made rings to order. He gave the vender directions, and very soon the ring he asked for was made. Kame had given the ring to Jin and he felt good when Jin had accepted it.
Kame had begun to touch Jin. Usually it was a hand on his shoulder. Just a small touch to let Jin know he still felt something for him. Jin always changed when he was touched. It was like he melted into the touches. But Jin never touched Kame back, not even once.
Kame wondered why Jin didn't admit to Kame that he was more to him then just a friend. Instead, Jin played games. When Kame promised that he would keep visiting Jin until Jin beat him in chess, something happened. Suddenly Jin got really bad in chess. Every time Kame beat him, Jin would smile and remind him of his promise. Kame didnt' tell Jin he knew that his friend was playing bad on purpose. Instead, he acted as if nothing had changed.
One day he caught Jin in his room. Jin hadn't had time to put on his hat. Jin now had hair. Jin's hair was so long that Kame realized he must have had it for a while. He wondered why Jin didn't tell him. Then he realized. Jin had always prided himself on his hair. Now it was badly in need of a trim.
"Hi Jin," Kame told him.
Jin quickly reached for his baseball cap, he stuck it on. It covered most of his hair. "It's good to see you."
"They're finally letting you grow out your hair."
"Yeah, they couldn't really let me out bald now could they?" Jin countered.
"Let you out?"
"I will still have to take medications, and see a doctor twice a week," Jin couldn't help but smile. "But I'm being released from the hospital next week."
"That's wonderful news." Kame hugged Jin. Kame could feel Jin stiffen, then Jin relaxed, Jin put his arms around him. His head on Kame's shoulder. Kame began to stroke his back. "We can be together when you get out...Ē
"I love you," Jin pulled away from him.
"You love me?" Kame couldn't believe his ears. Jin had never told him in their relationship that he loved him.
"I'm sorry, pretend like you didn't hear that." Jin turned from him. "I never wanted you to know,"
"Why didn't you?"
"It no longer matters if I love you." Tears were falling down his cheeks. "That's the one thing that I will always regret. I finally realize I can fall in love, and I will never be able to be with the man I love.Ē
"Why are you doing this to yourself?" Kame demanded. "Denying yourself love?"
"Can't you understand? I'm not doing it for me." Jin told him. "I'm doing it for you. You deserve better then an abusive drug addict."
"Perhaps I do," Kame told him softly. "But isn't that my choice? What if I love you too?"
"Kame," Jin breathed. "After everything I did to you?"
Kame knew there was only one way to show Jin. He kissed his lips the kiss was soft, gentle, loving. Then Jin was kissing him back. His hand going to the back of Kame's head.
But then Jin pulled away from him. Kame was surprised to see he was crying. "I can't do this, I might hurt you."
"I trust you,"
"I want you to think about our relationship. Really think about it. Do you really want me back in your life? You know what I'm capable of doing." Jin decided. "If you're not here when I'm released, I'll understand."
"I mean it; I don't want you to visit again until my release date." Jin said firmly. "If you want to be with me, I want you to drive me home."
"I'll think about it." Kame promised.
It was time for Kame to leave. He walked out onto the grounds towards his car. He turned, and saw that like always, Jin was watching him leave. Jin looked so very lonely. Kame waved at him, and Jin waved back. Then Kame turned and left. Knowing it was only a week until Jin's release from the hospital. He had a lot of work to do, to make Jin's return a good one.